


confusing happiness

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, Harry is an ass, M/M, Multi, Other, and then some other shit, louis has a kid, there almost sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 17:18:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3818524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn and liam are pen pals that finally meet in uni</p>
            </blockquote>





	confusing happiness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merines](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merines/gifts).



> um okay so this fic means a lot to me i really enjoyed writing it and i am really proud of it tbh  
> this was edited a few times by my bro Jordan who makes an appearance in the fic and also Alyssa and thanks so mch again to the people who listened to me whine about this fic and struggle through writing a barely there sex scene, i was gonna go full anal but i chickened out  
> and i lowkey wanna write a sequel so comment if youre interested  
> enjoy!
> 
> title from confusing happiness by Lo-Fang great song and I may have listened to it while writing every section

  
18 and 19  
  
There was snow on the ground the first time he heard Liam's voice. He didn't think it was real.  
  
He remembered the snow on his glove and his hat. The snow on his eyelashes. How the white made the hazel in his eyes glitter. He always was in awe of how beautiful he was in the winter.   
  


* * *

It was different this time, there was a sense of remembrance in the air; like a love he'd never had and had already lost.   
  
_Dear Liam Payne,_  
  
 _Hello, I'm Zain. You say it like Pain only with a Z. It's weird but my mum told me it means beauty. What does your name mean? I think it's a very cool name._  
  
 _We should talk again soon._  
 _Zain Malik_

* * *

7 and 8  
  
Liam came into Zayn's life right as he became friends with Louis. Louis was very different from Zain in a wide array of aspects.   
  
He was loud,  and unabashed. He wasn't ever afraid to be himself. He was most of all, an idiot.   
  
Not that he wasn't book smart,  he was simply one of the most jaded kids Zain had ever met. And he loved every second he spent with the older boy.   
  
Louis had failed the previous year so he was in year three with Zain. That same year was the year Zain met Liam.   
  
It was during a lesson in class. Their teacher, Ms. Neves, taught them about provinces all over England. She told them she was going to be giving them people to write to so they could find out what it was like to live there.   
  
"You all are going to have friends in other places. Some in Cheshire and some in Doncaster, where Louis used to live." she smiled at the boy who flushed happily under the attention.   
  
"Now, line up so I can fetch you names and places for you to write. You'll all be writing until the end of the year and then we'll have a big presentation where you'll have to tell the class all about your new friend and where they live."  
  
Zain and Louis stood together in line. Louis was excited, but now he realized he actually had to write.   
  
"I don't wanna write. They'll be boring, I bet. And I always get distracted. Why can't they just be here?" Louis whined.   
  
Zain wasn't paying attention as his friend rambled on. He was wondering who he was going to get. He wondered what they were like. What if they liked comics too? What if they liked to draw? What if they were totally awesome and way cool and thought Zain was a loser and a wimp and whiny baby; like all the other boys at school.   
  
"Zain, love, here's your new friend. His name is Liam and he lives in Wolverhampton." Ms. Neves handed Zain the paper with Liam's name on it and Zain liked the way Liam's name felt on his tongue.   
  


* * *

There was a strong possibility that it was all a mistake, but Zayn felt that that was sign it was all worth it.   
  
_Dear Zain,_  
  
 _I think that your name is very lovely. And mine just means helmet. It's not as pretty as yours but I think it fits me. At least my mum says so. She said I protect everyone. I don't know what that means but it doesn't sound bad._  
  
 _I like comics. Like batman is sick. And marvel I like all comics honestly._  
  
 _Love,_  
 _Liam Payne_  
  
 _PS I forgot to ask about where you live? Are there mountains?_

* * *

 _8- 12 and 7-11_  
  
Zain always thought he was a little in love with Liam by the first time he saw his name on that slip. He knew something.   
  
He was eight at the time so maybe it wasn't love quite yet. But he knew Liam was special. Louis had always teased him about it on their way home from school.  
  
"You fancy that helmet boy." Louis laughed.   
  
"I don't fancy anyone, Louis. I'm not old enough to fancy anyone, mum says." Zain was sure his mum was right. She was always right.   
  
"That's not true. I fancied someone when I was little." Louis said with a frown.   
  
"You fancy everyone, Louis."   
  
"That's true. I love everyone. "  
  
But Zain was sure that he was in love when he turned nine.   
  
Liam had sent him a box of his favorite comics and some Green Lantern merch. Zain thinks that's the moment when he developed a crush on Liam.  
  
By the time Zain turned twelve he had started spelling his name with a "y" because it looked cooler. He'd also stopped writing Liam.   
  


* * *

As he read the letters Zayn felt a wave nostalgia wash over him; he couldn't believe he had missed a time when Liam was all chapped lips and scraped knees. That he’d missed a Liam with boyish love in his heart and unsent valentines under his bed.   
  
_Dear Zain,_  
  
 _Hi! I finally turned eleven. And this girl in my class asked me to be her boyfriend. It's really cool. We hold hands in the halls and stuff and she brings me stuff at lunch._  
  
 _My older sister has a cellphone now. Maybe if we got one we could write each other more. And I got my birthday present. It was really cool. I’ve been wanting new Batman comics._  
  
 _Love_  
  
 _Liam Payne_  
  


* * *

 _18 and 19_  
  
The day Zayn met Liam for the first time, it was snowing. The white snow made Liam's smile shine. His eyes looked golden in the light of the streetlamps and Zayn was so in love.   
  
Liam was even more beautiful than Zayn could ever imagine. It was so fantastic and his heart beat so fast in chest he didn't know if he'd be able to keep his hands off of him.   
  
"Zayn. It's great to finally meet you." Liam came up to Zayn and wrapped his arms around him.   
  
Zayn loved Liam in the winter. With the cold wind swirling harshly around them in an empty park. He loved this moment with Liam wrapped around him.   
  
"I think that maybe we should go inside. My dorm is like two minutes from here." Liam released Zayn much to his dismay and tugged his hand.   
  
"I was a twat. For not writing you back. I knew that...I just couldn't bring myself to say it. I felt like a dick but it'd be weird to say that." Zayn rambled.   
  
"Zayn. What are you on about? When we were twelve? I thought we were over that." Liam chuckled.   
  
Zayn flushed, thankful the cold weather could cover the slight tint to his cheeks.   
  
Liam smiled at him again with his chubby cheeks and warm eyes and Zayn felt at home. He'd never felt like that with anyone he had ever dated in his life.   
  
"Let's get warm inside. Then we can catch up. On all that we missed. Like why you changed the spelling of your name."  
  


* * *

Regret was the first thing that came to mind.   
  
_Dear Liam,_  
  
 _I haven't written to you in two years. And it's dumb. You told me you had a girlfriend and I got jealous it was stupid and I'm over it. I promise not to be weird about it to you._  
  
 _Anyway. I'm writing because I want your cell number. My mum and baba got me a phone for my birthday. And I want to talk to you again. I miss you._  
  
 _Always,_  
  
 _Zayn Malik_  
  


* * *

_18 and 19_

 

"Me and Danielle have been together for two years now. She's lovely. I can't believe I never mentioned her. Probably gonna marry her one day,  I think." Liam grinned at Zayn.   
  
It had been almost a month of nonstop hanging out. Chilling. Zayn loved it. Loved him.   
  
He wrote poetry about Liam's laugh one night after a bender with Louis and his roommate, Niall.   
  
"That's fantastic, Li. I'm glad you're happy." Zayn forced a smile as Liam showed him a picture of the leggy beauty.   
  
"She's coming for a visit with me mum and dad. You can finally meet them. Great. They've wanted to meet you for a long time as well."  
  
Zayn sat criss cross on Liam's bed as the younger man flitted around the trying to tidy the unruly mess before his best mate and roommate came back.  
  
"Harry hates when I leave a mess. He's worse than my mom." Liam laughed at his own joke  and Zayn smiled genuinely for the first time in twenty minutes.   
  
"Calm down. Come read comics with me." Zayn patted the area beside him and opened his backpack that was laying on the floor.   
  
"Batman?"   
  
"Who else, love?"  
  
Liam giggled and Zayn felt his heart swell.   
  
Zayn was gone for this boy. And he was more than happy to be nothing but a friend if it meant he could have him like this. With a blanket swaddled between them for warmth and Liam's curls running through his fingers.   
  
"I like this. I've never had a friend like this." Liam told him.   
  
"Yeah? Louis's a cuddler it's hard to get away from him when he's like that. Especially when he's drunk." Zayn told Liam.   
  
"He doesn't look it. I don't think he likes me, honestly."   
  
"Yeah. People think that a lot. He's just a fucking asshole so don't let it get to you."   
  
"But you're his best friend? Why would you say that?"   
  
"I'm not gonna lie. He's a real piece of shit and half the things that come out of his mouth make me angry. But he's my best mate. So I love him and get over it." Zayn shrugged and went back to reading his comic.   
  
"So, I shouldn't take it to heart?" Liam frowned. Zayn smiled at the furrow of his bushy eyebrows.    
  
"Nah, he likes you. He's just gonna be a dick. It's how he shows his love. When him and this girl Eleanor dated, he'd punch her in the shoulder to tell her goodnight. It was weird."   
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't know. You'll get used to it."  
  
Zayn flipped the page of his comic to distract himself from the scrutiny of Liam's stare.   
  


* * *

_14 and 13_

__

  
When Zayn turned fourteen he realized that maybe he was a little bit jealous of Liam. That he had friends. That Liam was loved. He was bitter. And no matter what he did; he couldn't make any friends.  
  
Louis was nice. But he was always off chasing after Eleanor or Hannah. He liked options is what he once told Zayn.   
  
So Zayn was a bit of a loner in school. But there was one girl that always caught his eye in the halls.  
  
Perrie Edwards was very beautiful. And funny and Zayn wanted to kiss her everytime he saw her. But what he liked the most about was that she actually talked to him. He had her number on a piece of paper in his backpack and he wanted to talk to her so badly.  
  
But she had a boyfriend. And Zayn was always left to stand awkwardly alone across the hall as she laced their fingers together and walked down the halls. And he fell in love with her. The pretty blonde girl he'd never had. While he longed for Liam. The beautiful boy he'd never meet.   
Zayn got his first cell phone when he turned fourteen. The first thing he did was write Liam.   
  
The first letter he'd written to Liam in two years.   
  
He felt guilty of course. Having ignored his closest friend because of a petty grade school crush he though he'd had on him. He tried to say that in the letter without sounding like a child. Or worse, that he was clingy. He was sure Liam wouldn't want to talk to him ever again.   
  
But Liam responded. With an email address and a cell number.   
  
Zayn felt his heart beat fast again. Like when he had given his presentation on Liam in year three.   
  
"Do you think he hates me? That he just puts up with me to make me happy. He does do that. He's too nice." Zayn asked Louis one night after he spent an entire afternoon texting Liam.   
  
"Nah, he just loves you a lot too." Louis shrugged as he took a sip of his Coke that he'd spiked with his stepdad's whiskey.   
  
"No he's not. Stop saying that. I've never even met him."  
  
"You don't have to. It's the way you get all wispy like a girl. You start daydreaming about growing a uterus and having his babies."  
  
"That's so weird. Don't say that again." Zayn shuddered at the thought of having kids. He didn't think it looked to fun from his mum's perspective.   
  
"I can't wait to have them. I wanna fall in love by eighteen so I can have two kids by the time I'm twenty eight." Louis clutched his drink close to his chest with flushed cheeks.   
  
"I'd say we both have a few years, yeah?" Zayn smiled.   
  
"Yeah. I've had my eyes on this bird. Think she might be the one."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Eleanor Calder."  
  


* * *

  
_15 and 16_

__

Eleanor and Louis turned out to be a disaster. Louis loved her and Eleanor loved Louis but that was never enough. Eleanor wanted Louis to grow up and Louis wanted Eleanor to stop treating him like an idiot. Then they'd fuck like animals. Zayn could often hear them through the walls whenever he crashed at Louis's, which was extremely often.   
  
It all came to an abrupt end on the day Eleanor showed up at Louis's in tears.  
  
She was pregnant.   
  
Louis took the baby after it was born and Eleanor's family moved her away and Louis's family started before he planned and before he fell in love.   
  
"You know El didn't want to see her when she was born. Just told the doctor to give her to me." Louis was standing outside the nursery where his daughter sat. It was two years after Louis had told Zayn of his family plans.  
  
"I'm seventeen. I'm supposed to go to uni next year and I have her now. I don't know what to do." Louis stared at the baby as it slept with a small frown on her lips.   
  
Zayn watched the soft rise and fall of the child's chest. How she already had eyelashes like Louis and how her face was so strikingly similar to Eleanor. He was sure she'd have Eleanor's eyes when she opened her own.   
  
"Worry about that later. You have to focus on her now."  
  
"I don't know what to name her. I don't know so much. I can't be that great of a father." Zayn watched his best mate sag against the window as tears threatened to fall.   
  
"Louis. Go with your heart. I know you did when you told Eleanor that you'd keep the baby. And you're here. She's here and you're here and you already love her, right. That's all you can do right now. She has a home and will never be alone. You made all that happen now just love her for right now and we'll figure out the rest won't we?" Zayn patted his mate on the back and turned back to the window.   
  
"I like the name Patricia."   
  
"I'm not naming my daughter after your mother. That's kind of weird." Louis let out a strangled laugh.  
  
"What names did you already have picked out then. And don't tell me you didn't."  
  
"Elizabeth. I don't have a middle name. I didn't...I didn't think El would just leave. I thought she'd name her. At least give her that." Louis swallowed before standing up straight and rolling his shoulders.   
  
"Elizabeth is beautiful. I like Amira as her middle name. It's pretty, yeah?" Zayn smiled at Louis's smirk.   
  
"Me mum. She likes Gabrielle. Always going on about having a daughter named Gabrielle. Think she'll like Amira-Gabrielle?"  
  
"It's beautiful. Just like little Lizzy."   
  
Louis smiled bright and grand. Just like Zayn adored. He knew Elizabeth had a great father and would never go a day unloved.   
  


* * *

_18 and 19_

__

  
"I don't fancy having Liz over for the weekend if you aren't here. She likes you more than me right now." Louis looked a bit cross as Zayn picked his bag up and shuffled towards the door.   
  
"She'll be here for the three day weekend and I won't be with Liam that entire time. I'll be out for a couple hours at best. And Harry is gonna meet her finally. And Niall."  
  
"I know all these things, Zed. It's just...I don't know about this Liam thing. What if he keeps stringing you along?"  
  
"He doesn't even know. I told him I don't want him anymore remember. And he's with Danielle. So it's all just...there's no chance." Zayn smiled wryly as he shrugged on his winter coat.   
  
Louis frowned at his best mate.   
  


While Louis was more than aware of Zayn’s over dramatic tendencies; he was not ready to see Zayn so defeated over this boy.

“Z, don’t give up on him. I’ve seen the way you look at him. Its like when my mum looks at Dan when she thinks we aren’t looking. I think it's a chance that he may love you too." Louis looked at Zayn with wide blue eyes.

"I think....that maybe this could be enough for me. I’ll take what I can get of Liam and if all I get is friendship, that asking for more could put what we have at risk.” So Zayn shrugged on his jacket.

“You never think you’re worth anything anymore and that just isn’t true. You’re a good person.” Louis picked up the shoes from the floor as Zayn prepared to leave.

Zayn wished that he could believe Louis, hell, he didn’t know why he didn’t. What he was sure of was his love for Liam and how he wasn’t going to let anything get in between any type of future the two of them had together. Even his own feelings.

* * *

The fact that Liam’s parents gushed over Zayn and Liam the entire dinner spoke volumes. At least to Zayn it did.

Now, he isn’t trying to downplay Danielle , she’s lovely. She had beautiful eyes and a soft smile and it was quite obvious she loved Liam. Zayn could live with that. He could live with knowing that Liam was with someone who loved him just as much as, if not more than, himself.

So Zayn sat there, and participated in the conversations and fell in love with Liam’s smile over the candlelight of a cheap Italian restaurant.

It was a hard love, but it was the best kind of love Zayn could ever wish for.

* * *

_2 Months Later_

_**  
  
** _

Liam and Zayn had gotten to a point in their friendship that they spent every spare moment they had in one or the others apartment or dorm. Liam had a drawer in Zayn’s room and Zayn had a toothbrush at Liam’s place.

“You lot are married and Liam has a girlfriend. Its like Will and Grace only you two are actually gay for each other and don’t realize it.” Niall said as he lounged on the couch, Zayn should say Niall’s couch seeing as he paid fifty bucks for it a thrift store in town.

“Don’t say that, Ni, Zayn’ll get all flustered and tell you to shut the hell up.” Louis laughed as he cuddled against Harry’s side, they were just friends as well apparently.

Niall clutched his side as he watched Zayn’s face go red. Liam was at his dorm with Danielle, Zayn didn’t want to think about what they could possibly be doing.

“I have a date. With a girl. She’s fit and stuff. And not Liam.” Zayn said unconvincingly.

“What’s her name? Show me a picture!” Niall leapt up from the couch and darted to where Zayn was sitting in a loveseat adjacent to the couch.

“Her name is Perrie." Zayn showed Niall a picture of the lavender haired girl.

"She's friends with my girlfriend. I think they're roommates." Niall said.

"We went to college with Perrie. She had that boyfriend Zayn was always jealous  of." Louis spoke up from where he had his head buried in Harry's chest.

"Yes well, we ran into each other. She goes to school here too and she wants to meet up for dinner. Said she always thought I was fit. I figured it’s time for me to move along. Liam's with Danielle." Zayn told his friends absently.

"Wait, what? I didn't know you actually had a crush on Liam. " Niall shouted.

Zayn cringed as soon as he realized his mistake.

"They used to write each other letters every week. It was right nauseating they even had email and didn't use it. Zayn told me it kept the romance alive,  until Zee here thought it would be a good idea to tell Liam that he wasn't in love with him." Louis helpfully explained.

"Liam never told me you said that." Harry frowned.

"Um, it's cool. I mean. He was probably really embarrassed about it." Zayn shrugged nonchalantly. He didn’t want to think about how unimportant he must have been to Liam for him not to tell his own best friend. Maybe that was him thinking too much again.

Zayn sank down into the sofa as the night wore on.

Liam came to the apartment with a flush to his cheeks and Danielle in tow. Zayn didn’t meet Liam’s eyes the entire night. He knew he was being petty and childish but, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Liam without pouring his soul.

“Hey, um, did I do something?” Liam came over to Zayn around twelve. The volume of the television was muted and they had music playing softly in the background. Liam stood before Zayn in a red henley that Zayn thought was oddly familiar.

“What? No, its more me. Ha, yeah. I, um, I’m a bit stressed. I have exams coming up and all and Lizzy is coming by tomorrow to visit and that we only have cereal and beer in the flat. Just you know, regular things.” Zayn pulled his oversized sweater down over his fingers. He was pretty sure it was Harry’s at some point.

“Oh, we could go shopping? Like, tomorrow morning. Danielle has to drive back tonight.” Liam smiled at Zayn nervously.

“I’d love to, mate.” Zayn coughed awkwardly into the mitten of the sweater while he was trying not to blush at all the attention Liam was giving him.

Zayn could feel Harry’s eyes boring into him from across the room.

* * *

 

Zayn woke up the next morning to Louis curled against his chest and Lizzy sitting on his chest. Lottie and Jay were giggling at them from the door.

“Lizzy, love, its so early. Your papa is still asleep.” Zayn whispered croakily.

“Papa need wake up. He say bye to Gramma and Lots.” Lizzy patted Zayn on his cheek and bounced happily when he yelped in pain.

“She’s gonna be a dominatrix or summat when she grows up.” Louis mumbled with his eyes still closed.

“Louis!” Jay laughed in surprise. Lottie rolled her eyes and wedged herself into the bed with the two full grown men.

“Your boyfriend is in the living room with Liam. And that Niall boy’s girlfriend walked out of his room in just underwear! I think someone needs to teach them the horrors of premarital sex. They might end up with a little Lizzy  on their hands.” Lottie rambled to get her brother out of bed.

“For the love of- Get out of my room!” Louis shoved Lottie off the bed, taking himself to the floor with her.

“I think me and Lizzy are gonna stay in bed and nap for a bit.” Zayn pulled the girl to his chest and she snuggled against him briefly before she pulled away and looked up Zayn, her eyes were like Eleanor’s, wide and expressive. She looked just like her mother and Zayn saw it everytime he looked at her, he knew Louis saw it too.

“Do you think, ‘Arry make me cakes? I like the nanas in them. Papa! I want cakes!” Lizzy scrambled away from Zayn to peer over the edge of the bed and down at her father who had Lottie caught in chokehold.

Zayn sighed, he supposed he had to deal with the fact that he wasn’t going to get anymore sleep that morning.

“Liam asked for you, love.” Jay had come over and smiled down at Zayn who had finally sat up in bed.

“Did he see me! I look awful, tell him to wait out there!” Zayn hopped out of bed and into the bathroom across the hall that he shared with Louis and Niall.

“Oh, mornin’, Zayn.” Niall flashed a grin before his face grimaced and he left out a soft grunt.

“Its too early to see your bare arse.

“Yeah, I definitely saw too much of it last night.” Jade spoke up from the shower. She poked her head out and waved at Zayn. He wanted to ask her why she was in the shower with no water running but he prefered to leave it.

“I need to do my hair. And it stinks to high hell in here. What the fuck did you eat, Niall?” Zayn pinched the bridge of his nose as he turned to the mirror to make his hair seem more artfully disheveled.

“The ol’ artfully disheveled one. Always makes the ladies drop their pants. And Liam.” Niall smirked as Zayn turned red.

“He’s with Danielle. Leave it. I’m not a homewrecker.” Zayn sprayed air freshener after shouting a goodbye to Jade and flipping Niall off.

“I want you to know that I don’t care that Liam is here. We’re bros. Like really cool friends. Like you and Harry.” Zayn told Louis as soon as he re entered his bedroom.

“Me and Harry shag sometimes. You and Liam don’t even do that.” Louis said. He then swore loudly for not cuffing Elizabeth’s ears before he said that.

“Louis, she’s done for. Gonna have a right potty mouth at this rate.” Zayn said.

“Lottie and me mum left. Had to get back to Dan and the kiddies. Quite a full house over there.” Louis bounced his daughter in his lap as she played a game on his phone.

“Why aren’t you out there? Cuddling with your boyfriend.”

“He doesn’t want to date me. I’ve asked. Its why I didn’t ask him to stay over last night. Don’t fancy talking to him all that much.” Louis said this as though he was unaffected. He didn’t turn around when Zayn walked up behind him.

“Maybe we aren’t all that cut out to be in relationships.”

Lizzy reached up to pat at her father’s cheek and smiled brightly. Zayn couldn’t believe how much she looked like Louis then, with the little crinkles by her eyes. She was so beautiful.

* * *

 

Zayn watched Liam’s back as he reached up to grab a can off of the top shelf. He snapped back to reality when he heard Niall and Jade snicker beside him. He didn’t even know why they came. All they did was whisper to each other and stuff random snacks into their cart.

Elizabeth was more than okay with clutching onto Liam’s biceps as he pushed the cart. She watched him with enamored eyes and Zayn was reminded of how easy it was to fall in love with Liam.

“I think Lizzy fancies Leemo too.” Niall cooed at the frown on Zayn’s face.

“Shut up. You’re an idiot. Go away.” Zayn said in loo of a decent comeback.

Liam cocked his head in confusion after he tuned back into the conversation.

“Its nothing, Niall is an idiot.” Jade rolled her eyes fondly at Zayn and Niall bickering, well, more Zayn grumbling insults while Niall giggled at his broody flatmate.

“Do you think it was a good idea to leave Louis and Harry alone like that? They seemed to not be too fond of each other this morning.” Liam asked Jade as they continued down the aisle.

“Probably not, they’re gonna fuck on every surface in that flat. We’re gonna have to disinfect everything before we let Elizabeth back in there.” Jade barked out a laugh as Liam turned beet red at the mention of sex.

“Its like you’ve never had sex before, mate.” Jade said as she rubbed Liam’s back gently.

“No, I, um, I don’t like talking about sex all that much to be honest. I, um, I get uncomfortable and its just really embarrassing to think about for me.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, I don’t mind. As long as people don’t ask me direct questions. I don’t like that very much. Danielle says I need to express myself more but its harder than I thought it would be.” Liam rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to hurry down the aisle and avoid any eye contact.

“That’s a perfectly normal thing, Liam. There’s no reason to be ashamed of that. I don’t think Zayn is very fond of divulging that kind of personal information either.”

“Leeyum, what is six? Is that a numba? Like Papa’s?” Lizzy asked as she tugged on Liam’s fingers.

“Um, yes. Like your Papa’s jersey number. Can you say seventeen?” Liam said quickly, desperate to turn the tide of the conversation.

“So, Liam I never would have pegged you for a prude.” Niall slung his arm over Liam’s shoulder as he said this. Liam’s eyes widened comically.

“Did Zayn hear any of that?” He whispered in fear.

“Yeah, he went off though to go get a pack of cigarettes. He was all red in the face, he’s been like that a lot lately. I don’t know, think he’s got a crush or something. He does have a date tonight.” Niall stuck his stubby fingers in Lizzy’s face and made the young girl squeal in happiness.

“He didn’t tell me about any date.”

“You’ve been too busy shagging Danielle.” Niall turned to look up at Liam with a questioning glare.

“You have a crush on Zayn?”

“What!” Liam yelped at the accusation, Niall didn’t lay up on his glare either.

“I mean he seems to be quite gone for someone, I thought it was Louis. But now its so obvious, you’re always all over him. Its weird, I thought it was in a bro way, like me when me and Josh cuddle.”

“I think its very bro too. He told me he wasn’t interested. I’ve moved on! I proposed to Danielle!” Liam looked down at the ground after he said that.

“You really sure about that? That type of commitment?” Jade spoke up from where she stood beside Niall, with a small hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

“I...she loves me. And I love her. And I want this.” Liam didn’t sound confident when he said that.

“Congrats, mate.” Zayn seemingly appeared out of thin air.

“Thanks.” Liam pushed the cart out of the aisle to continue shopping with just Lizzy.

Zayn didn’t think that he would ever be jealous of Danielle. Sure he knew she loved him and Liam was probably going to marry her but, he always assumed that Liam would change his mind and realize he loved Zayn. But he isn’t surprised at all. He always knew that was a bit of wistful thinking. Thinking Liam would ever love him. He was just Zayn after all.

* * *

 

“Harry and I had a fight. He doesn’t want a relationship apparently. He told me he loves me. But he doesn’t want to start something that would only end in disaster. So I said fuck you and he got mad and we might have slept together again before he stormed out after I refused to say I love him back. He’s an idiot anyway.” Louis blabbered on as he puttered around the kitchen making dinner for Elizabeth.

The toddler was fast asleep on the couch while Peppa Pig played on their small television. She was very emotionally drained after their shopping trip when Zayn told her she couldn’t have a chocolate before lunch and she promptly threw a temper tantrum, Zayn ignored while Liam looked distressed and gave her candy.

“Why would Liam give her candy. She’s gonna be up until ten tonight.” Louis muttered to himself.

“Did Harry tell you that Liam is engaged to Danielle now?” Zayn asked from where he sat on their counter, facing the window so  he could blow smoke out.

“No, we...fought. But I didn’t know. I’m sorry, Zee.” Louis set the warm mac n’ cheese down on the dinner table.

“I’m disappointed. I thought I was being obvious. I don’t know. I don’t really want to think about it. I have to go on my date in twenty minutes and I can’t stop thinking about Liam.”

“That’s like the average day with you.” Louis joked as he picked up Lizzy from the couch.

“Wake up, princess. Time to eat, love.” Elizabeth slapped her father’s hands away from her face and grumbled at him in gibberish.

“She’s so much like you when she wakes up.” Zayn said.

“Fuck off. Go on your date. Liam is out of the game its time for both of us to start pulling again.” Louis set Elizabeth down in her chair and shoved a spoon in her face.

“Eat, demon.”

“Really, Louis?” Zayn smiled at the two as they bickered over the portions Louis gave her.

“When you get back I expect hickeys!”

* * *

 

“Yes. An actual date. With a girl. I know, its some bird we went to high school with.” Zayn stood in the doorway to his apartment, waiting for Louis’s conversation to end.

“I don’t think he told Liam.” There was a long pause in between every few words. Zayn had a feeling who was on the other side.

“Is, um, is this the only reason you called?” Zayn was certain that the only time he’d ever heard Louis this unsure was the day Elizabeth was born.

“No, I wasn’t trying to force you into anything. Its just that...you said you loved me and I don’t really think those are mixed signals, Harry.”

Zayn crept off to his bedroom so he wouldn’t hear the end. If Louis wanted him to know he’d tell him.

Liam had been a factor the entire night he had spent with Perrie. No matter where their conversation went his thoughts always seemed to drift back to Liam, he was engaged to Danielle. It hurt Zayn to think that Liam never saw a future with him. But it didn’t really matter anymore, not when he knew had to move on and not dwell on a future he’ll never have.

* * *

 

“How’re you and Harry?” Zayn asked cautiously the next morning, Elizabeth was at the table splashing everyone within proximity with applesauce.

“I guess we’re friends. I honestly don’t know he told me he loves me but he doesn’t want to be tied down and I don’t think I’m trying to tie him down. I just prefer him to not fuck around with people and then come running back to me to feel a semblance of normalcy. I don’t want that around my daughter but he keeps coming back and I keep letting him.” Louis looked away from the dishes he was washing to wipe a tear from his eyes.

“I’m sorry, mate. I know that thing you have with Liam is hard. I’ll stop talking about meself.” Louis grinned with a smile that didn’t match his watery eyes.

“Do you wanna go out to eat? Get something fresh, have a little fun for once. Lets not think about the people that don’t seem to love us the right way.” Zayn laughed hollowly.

“That and Lizzy told me she wants real pancakes. She’s caught on to the Ego's.”

They left the apartment an hour later with Niall and Elizabeth skipping along in front of them.

“I can’t believe we’re actually gonna eat real food. Its been forever since I’ve tasted anything that didn’t have to be defrosted before.” Niall practically squealed as he and Elizabeth danced in circles in the lobby.

"I think that I want an omelette. With a coffee. I don't even like coffee but I'm gonna order it because we don't have any at home."

As soon the group arrived at the restaurant Niall scooped Elizabeth into his arms and rushed for a booth far into the corner of the restaurant.

“Okay, now. Little Lizzy, what do you wanna eat?” Louis reached across the table to where his daughter’s head barely reached.

“Cakes!” Elizabeth giggled and slammed her palms against the table.

“Pancakes for Liz it is then.” Louis’s eyes crinkled as he giggled at Elizabeth yanking on Niall’s hair.

“Haz said he’s gonna come ‘round. Is it okay if he brings Liam?” Niall looked up from his phone with a wince and batted Elizabeth’s hand away.

“I don’t know, I really didn’t want to see him.” Zayn looked away from his friends.

“Well, they’re here.” Niall shrugged sheepishly and motioned his head towards the front door of the cramped restaurant.

Harry waved at the group and scooted into the booth. Louis moved closer to Zayn.

Liam sat down beside Niall who had moved Elizabeth into his lap to make more room for Liam to sit.

The booth was awkwardly silent.

“So, um. How are you, Lou?” Harry smiled brightly at the boy.

“I’ve been better. Was happier when you weren't here.” Louis avoided Harry’s gaze.

“Hey, Zayn. Do you want to hang out after?” Liam asked Zayn, ignoring the tension between Harry and Louis.

“‘m busy. Course work and all.” Zayn lied.

“Right, yeah. That’s weird since you always do your work before break.” Liam’s brows furrowed and Zayn sighed internally.

“Alright. Hello I’ll be your waiter tonight. My name is Jordan. Can I get y'all anything?”

“Yes, um, I’ll have a Yorkshire tea and Lizzy will have and apple juice.” Louis told Jordan with a small smile.

The waiter winked at Louis and proceeded to take everyone else’s order.

“She was cute. The whole blonde thing is nice.” Zayn grinned as Louis flushed and Harry grumbled.

“Not that cute.” Harry snapped when Louis agreed with Zayn.

“I think so. Might put my number on the bill.”

Harry glared at Jordan when their meals came.

“Maybe not so obvious, Harry. I think you’re turning green.” Liam joked. Niall barked out a laugh that made Elizabeth squeal.

“Nothing to be jealous of. It’s not like she’s fucking him.”

Louis looked at Harry with a grin.

“Oh, and you are?”

“Language around Lizzy.” Liam hissed.

* * *

 

“I snogged Jordan.” Louis said to Zayn one night a few weeks after their awkward breakfast.

“Girl from the restaurant?”

“They use gender neutral pronouns. I’ve never met anyone who does that. We’re going out next week.”

Zayn looked up from his desk, the flat was quiet. Elizabeth went home last week after their break ended and Louis was a bit sadder without her there.

“Is this to make Harry jealous or do you actually like them?” Zayn asked.

“A bit of both I think.”

“Louis.”

“I know,” Louis flopped onto Zayn’s bed and buried his face in a fluffy throw pillow. “they’re really cool and all but, I don’t know if it's fair when I still think about Harry.”

“It’s not. ‘s why I haven’t been on another date with Perrie.”

“I want to though. Go on a date. To try it out again. Harry has been the only one since El.”

“Probably, its different for everyone.”

“Yeah.”

* * *

 

Louis and Jordan dated for three months before they dumped him.

* * *

 

“Did you know Jordan broke up with Louis?” Liam asked as he called Zayn one night. It had been two months since they’d seen each other in person.

“Yeah, he told me already. He’s pretty torn up about it.”

“Zayn, did I do something? Its been so long since we’ve hung out. Can I come over? Do you mind?”

Zayn could tell Liam was chewing on his bottom lip, he always did when he was nervous.

“Yeah okay.” Zayn felt his lungs constricting as he did.

* * *

 

“Now, I don’t know much about Marvel but I think that Superman is overrated.” Zayn grinned when Liam frowned. They were in Zayn’s living room, Liam had barged in an hour ago and sweeped Zayn into a bone crushing hug.

Liam started out on the floor but he eventually gravitated towards Zayn. They were now wrapped around each other comfortably.

“I’m more Marvel than DC, mate. Don’t know much about Batman. I got some Spiderman comics though. They’re mainly Louis’s. You see his Spiderman tattoo? Its sick.” Zayn gently pulled away from Liam to fetch his phone from the coffee table and slip back into his previous position; in Liam’s arms.

“I couldn't believe he actually did it. I was so wicked. He almost cried but it was so fucking sick.” Zayn looked up to find Liam watching him with a soft expression.

“Do I have something on my face?” Zayn reached up to brush anything possibly there away.

Liam simply stared without responding, Zayn felt smaller under his gaze. He watched the way Liam’s eyes traced over his face and landed on his lips without moving. Zayn shivered and felt his own body automatically shift closer. His mind screamed no as Liam’s hand came up to rest on his cheek.

“You look beautiful, Zee.” Liam’s thumb brushed Zayn’s full bottom lip.

“Liam what are you-”

Zayn was cut off by Liam leaning in and softly capturing his lips. Zayn’s eyes fluttered closed as Liam pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and sucked gently, Zayn’s mouth opened in a moan only to have Liam’s tongue slide in.

Zayn felt Liam’s hand grasp at the bottom of his shirt. He lifted his arms without complaint and gasped loudly when Liam attached his lips to his neck.

“Leeyum, stop...I…” Zayn trailed off when Liam started to palm his ass through his jeans.

Zayn’s skin felt like it was on fire. He clawed at Liam’s back and tugged roughly on the larger man’s hair as Liam’s hands gripped him tighter.

“You’re so fucking fit.” Liam murmured as he kissed his way down Zayn’s chest.

Each scrape of Liam’s teeth against his skin made Zayn arch off the couch and his cock throb in pleasure. He whimpered softly when Liam’s fingers fiddled with his jeans.

“Yeah and then he said to me ‘Just as friends!’ I don’t know what game they think they’re playing but it isn’t fair lemme tell you-”

Zayn sat up suddenly and shoved Liam away, who landed on his ass right between his legs.

“Well hello boys. Hope I’m not interrupting anything. I’ll just be in my room on my phone. Turn on some music if you’re gonna be loud. Practice safe sex and all that jazz.” Louis grinned wickedly and scampered off to Niall’s room.

Zayn fish mouthed after Louis slipped into Niall’s room.

“I think that, maybe we should have moved to your room.” Liam joked awkwardly.

“This can’t happen again, Li.”

Liam stared after Zayn as he threw a shirt over his head. He didn’t look at Liam as he buttoned his trousers and walked to the door.

“I think you should go. I really don’t want to talk about it. Let’s pretend it never happened. What Danielle doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her.” Zayn avoided his eyes even as Liam whispered his name before walking out.

* * *

 

“So you just kicked him out? He looked ready to bend you over the couch and you told him to go?” Louis asked in disbelief.

Him and Zayn were at a nightclub three weeks after Louis and Jordan’s break up and two weeks after the Liam and Zayn incident.

“I’m not gonna be the excuse he uses to leave her. I don’t want to do that to her.”

“Like how I treated Jordan, yeah?” Louis took a swig of his beer and glanced across the desolate bar.

“I called them a few times, ya know? They always answered and shit. I think...I think that I want to fix what happened between us. Harry is great and I love him. But he isn’t...he’s never there as much as Jordan was. And Liz loved them. I don’t know. Sorry, Liam called trying to get in touch with you.” Louis chugged his beer and signaled the bartender to bring another to their table.

“I don’t fancy seeing him. Was a bit humiliating. I would’ve let him fuck me on that couch if you’d walked in five minutes later.” Zayn sipped his martini that Louis had ordered for him.

“So, you gonna ignore him then? Niall’s on his way, bringing Jade with him.”

“Do you think Harry’s coming and Niall isn’t telling you?”

“Probably.” Louis shrugged but started taking bigger sips of beer.

“I think Jordan was good for you too. But they were right to dump you. No matter how you look at it, Harry is the only one you actually want.”

“I don’t like it but, it is true. Like Liam is it for you?” Louis said with a sad smile.

Zayn simply grunted in response, preferring not to have this conversation.

Niall, Jade, Harry and Liam arrived minutes later with arms full of alcohol and bright drunken grins on their faces. Well, Niall and Jade did. Liam and Harry trailed behind them with hesitant smiles.

“Hello, Harry.” Louis sighed.

“I heard about you and Jordan. Sucks, mate.” Harry sipped his fruity cocktail, failing to hold down a grin.

“Um, yeah. Rather not talk about it with you, honestly.” Louis stared down at the table blinking quickly.

“Mate, you wanna dance?” Zayn asked so softly that only Louis heard him.

“I’ll take Niall, you should talk to Liam a bit. He looks so sad.” Louis said as he tugged Niall and Jade out of the booth.

“So, he isn’t too happy. Does he ask about me?” Harry asked with wide green eyes.

“No, he’s a bit torn up about Jordan. Says he misses them and such. Hasn’t asked about you, though.” Zayn said sharply.

“Oh.” Harry winced at Zayn’s words and Zayn smothered a grin.

“Hey, um, Zayn could I talk to you for a bit?”

Zayn debated whether or not him and Liam should talk. On one hand he did kick him out without letting Liam say anything to him. He could give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he had broken things off with Danielle and Zayn was too distraught to even think about that. Zayn had stayed up for hours that night thinking of what if’s. He didn’t really believe any of them.

“I think that maybe we should talk here.” Zayn told him.

“Um, I. Okay.” Liam swallowed and looked at Harry. Harry sighed dramatically and stalked off to the bar to find a position to creepily stare at Louis in.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened. If I had known that you didn’t really want to be like that with me I would have never had made a move like that.” Liam picked at his fingernails.

“I didn’t want to be with you because you’re with Danielle.”

“What?”

“You’re engaged! I didn’t want to be an excuse for you to leave her. I wanted you to fall in love with me as soon as you saw me in the snow! Like I fell for you and that’s not how any of this happened!” Zayn threw his hands in the air. He felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

“Can we go outside, love? I don’t want to do this in here.” Liam asked with expressionless eyes and a small tight lipped grin.

“Fine. Don’t touch me.”

Liam trailed behind Zayn to the back entrance of the club, hands tucked in and head down. Once outside, they stood stiffly across from each other.

“So...I ended things with Danielle already. Like, a month before I called you.”

“You aren’t engaged?” Zayn blinked several times before simply staring up at Liam dumbfounded.

“I was trying to say that, right? And like, I’m in love with you still, even after you said you didn’t see me as a friend anymore. That’s fine and stuff,um. I just...I’m in love with you." Liam shifted in place nervously as Zayn gaped up at him in disbelief.

“Why did you...what made you leave her?” Zayn kept himself at arms length from Liam, afraid he’d pounce the second he came near him.

“I think it was your face that day in the store. You really aren’t great at hiding your emotions. I saw you and...I knew that you had to still feel something for me and I was more willing to chase after that than I ever was with Dani. So I told her I couldn’t do it and she knew. Told me it was only a matter of time until I figured things out.”

“Li, I’m so sorry. I was so dumb about all of this, its all my fault.” Zayn took a step towards Liam.

“I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you, that I’m using to get away. You have always meant so much to me.” Liam was flushed and out of breath as he said this, even though he hadn't moved an inch during his entire soliloquy.

Zayn felt his heart beat faster in his chest, he didn’t think it could. Sweat pooled on his upper lip as Liam’s gaze locked with his. His fingers twitched, itching to reach out and grasp at Liam’s curls and pull his body flush against his own.

“I feel like we should kiss, I’ve wanted to kiss you since--” Zayn surged in and captured Liam’s lips with his own. It started innocently, with the soft peck of the lips and quivering  hands. It quickly evolved to thick hands grasping at waists and teeth nipping at sensitive necks. Zayn knew he would have let Liam do whatever he wanted to him; even on a random sidewalk in New York.

“Liam, take me home, yeah?” Zayn panted desperately as Liam groped at his backside.

“I think, that that is a fantastic idea.” Liam took a small step back and rested his forehead against Zayn’s to get his breathing in order.

Liam breathed deeply before opening his eyes and looking up at Zayn with blown eyes. Zayn swallowed and tried to discreetly adjusted himself.

 

“Let’s go. Before we get complaints or something.” Liam joked.

**  
  
  
**

* * *

 

Zayn woke up the next morning to warmth under his face and a soft snoring in his normally quiet room. He blinked awake when the sun began to shine through his eyes and the body beneath him began to stir. It all came back in an instant.

Liam.

There were flashes of bare skin and Zayn remembered a mouth wrapped around him. His face flushed and he felt himself twitch in interest at the surge of memories.

“Uh, morning.” Zayn sat up at the sound of muffled laughter and small feet pattering.

“Louis!” Zayn whispered as he clutched his covers close to his chest.

Louis cackled and slammed the door, waking Liam.

“What the hell? Your flat is never quiet.” Liam rolled over until his body covered Zayn’s.

“No, I live with Niall and Louis, and apparently Jade. So no silence. Ever.” Zayn grinned as Liam traced his fingers along Zayn’s face with a sleepy smirk.

“I think I could get used to it. I mean, Harry can live alone. I’ll just stay here with you.”

“That’s a fantastic idea. Four men and a three year old living together. Brill.”

“I’d do it. I love you.”

Zayn smiled. He knew he could most definitely get used to this.

“I think I’d live forever with you, Zayn. Forever and an afterlife.”

Zayn felt tears pool and his heart pound in fear before he leaned in and kissed Liam deeply.

“Its time for a repeat of last night, don’t you think?”

They didn’t leave the room until dinner.

* * *

 

_27 and 26_

__

It was the day of Jordan and Sophia’s wedding. To say it was a surprise that Jordan rejected Louis’ offer of a second go was an understatement.

Apparently Sophia was a surprise. She had come up from Wolverhampton and was an old classmate of Liam’s. Jordan had bumped into her one evening, one thing led to another and eight years later Louis was Jordan’s best man and Liam was Sophia’s man of honor.

Zayn had promised Liam the night before that he wasn’t going to cry, he’d cried enough at his own wedding and Elizabeth’s first ballet recital.

“I think its sweet that you get so emotional.” Liam had told him. His brown eyes crinkling at the corners gently as he ran his slender fingers through Zayn’s disheveled hair.

“I don’t know why I do it. I don’t cry about anything else.” Zayn pushed his head up into Liam’s soft palm and hummed happy when he felt nails scratch at his scalp.

“You cried when you saw me walk down the aisle with me mum.”

“I know. It was slightly embarrassing. Everyone was supposed to watch you, not me. And then I cried and I felt like an asshole.” Liam laughed loudly as he pulled Zayn into his lap.

Zayn straddled Liam’s lap and buried his head in Liam’s neck so he wouldn’t see his cheeks flushed with embarrassment

“I like it when you cry. You don’t do it enough. Scares me sometimes. And your eyes get all pretty when you do. And then you wanna cuddle me and I get happy because I know you need me as much as I need you.” Liam smoothed a thumb across Zayn’s neck as he said this. Zayn smiled against his neck and kissed his birthmark.

“I love you too.”

“To the moon and back.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: when zayn was little his class did a pen pal letter exchange with another class from a different part of the country. it was only supposed to last for that school year but zayn got along so well with his that they kept it up. they didn't exchange pictures or anything and only did letters tho!! and then they decide to go to the same uni and that's where they officially ~meet~ so basically the actual story takes place in uni and zayn is very much in love with liam and yes.


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